There lies beauty beneath the suffering

Not one to ask for help but I am desperate for help. Let me start with an anecdotal account of the past. I have a decent memory, and this is how I feel the whole situation went down. Also, this will be the last time I post about this.

First and foremost, let me say that in no way shape or form am I asking for you to be sorry for me or my girlfriend, bad for us, it’s shitty luck, we will survive. Pass on the apartment scam. Let people know not to follow it.

Here it goes…TLDR for those not interested.

Cannabis has ALWAYS been the medicine that relied upon for nearing 20 years. I still remember how free from anxiety it made me. How it stopped depression, how I could turn off the thoughts that weighed me down, and the constant physical pain i’m in (watched my dad suffered from opiate addiction), I have been medicating ever since and regardless of what people thought of it I let them be. Wish em well, see em in hell.

I thought leaving VA was going to solve my problems. I was the black sheep, the fuck up, the hold help over your head so it doesn’t feel like help kind of people. I mean, both my parents died, I was willing to relocate to South Carolina for a job, my mom’s side, my uncle, he told me suck it up, be a man, he said with that insurance payout, it will be a nice nest egg. I have been hearing suck it up/be man all my life. My dad was a black sheep, what am I but guilty by association. So, I hid behind a computer and sunk all my time in World of Warcraft. I got good, what can I say. I met some decent people on WoW. I met my current girlfriend, through there, and flew to upstate NY to begin life anew away from being made to feel like shit….and about 13 months later I had a stroke.

The stroke took away the ability to play video games. The stroke made me realize that I am mortal. I lost my dexterity in my right hand, I can no longer do the People’s Eyebrow, I can’t button myself, I can’t chew on my right side, I personally sound like I am talking funny, I haven’t been cleared to work or drive by the doctor (I don’t feel comfortable behind the wheel of a vehicle). Not to mention the separation anxiety, the soul crushing solitude I experience, the lack of a will to live, the mind numbing useless I feel. All of these thoughts have gotten worse since the stroke. But I am strong.

Well, long story short, mental health arrested, mental break down, health care failed to figure out what is going on with me, I made some moves to escape the constant feeling of helplessness, we paid for an apartment we found on Craigslist, spent $800 for security deposit and first months rent, we packed our bags and headed out west, first stop, Indiana then after spending the weekend there, we pulled up to the apartment only to find out that it was a scam. The lease my girlfriend signed doesn’t provide the details of the landlord (phone number, address, etc), so the cops can’t help. We are out $800+ dollars for an apartment we don’t have and the few nights of hotel rest we got. Thanks to a stranger for taking us and the four cats in. Thanks to the other stranger that is fostering our cats. Thank you for the support and help everyone who has helped, it means a lot.

As for the other nights, they’ve been spent in a car using jackets for blankets, huddled in a car. Avoiding the stuff that doesn’t fit in the trunk.

Tonight is the night Nikki starts work. I hope for the best expect the worst. I’m not going to assume. If there’s anything I can say I’ve learned from this it’s that keep an open mind because that solves problems, a closed mind doesn’t.

It’s not that we are looking for a handout, more like a helping hand, it’s not that I don’t want to work, I am having a difficult time because someone labeled me an addict. Such is life. At least Nikki has found work. I’m fairly certain that is why we didn’t get the duplex. An help with this matter would be greatly appreciated. Nikki is the one who is in charge of this, here is the link, her email, everything you need to do to help.

That being said, Colorado is beautiful, and I much rather enjoy watching the sunset somewhere new but living in the car is cramped and cold.

Help thank you


One thought on “There lies beauty beneath the suffering

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s