Reflecting

I’m back. We had to foster our cats, we lived in our car for the better part of three weeks, because we were scammed of our apartment. No one said it was going to be easy. I didn’t expect anything less, I hoped for something that didn’t come to fruition. No use crying over spilled milk. Keep on keeping on.

I don’t have my ID yet, due to my mother laminating my Social Security card and the original birth certificate is not valid. Par for the course.

So that leaves me with a ton of time to reflect on the year. For one thing, I am not the same person who I was a year ago. I was killing myself and it was exactly the opposite of what I thought would happen. I wanted to die, and after a few suicide attempts, I was on the verge of getting my wish. I had a wake up call. Reality, once again, slapped me in the face, and I heard it.

31 years and I have nothing to show for it. A lot of wasted time and effort, a lot of failed friendships, failed relationships, what I was becoming was my father. The thing I swore I would never become. I sat in ICU after my stroke swearing I would not let this get to me. It was a stroke, and I was young, I was unconquerable, saying I would be back at work in less than 2 months.

After all the testing, I was found to be diabetic and hypertensive. They started me on a ton of pills. Antidepressants, lipitor, metformin, a couple doses of insulin a few times a day, I have a loop recorder in my heart, I was obese, and I was a wreck. The psychological journey was just beginning.

I have been through a lot, from being suicidal, to having the cops called on me and leading me out in handcuffs to me to having the cops called on me for playing music, to being scammed, and through it all I have remained stalwart. I have this sense of purpose, don’t know what it means, what I’m going to do, but I can’t be brought down. No more what ifs, I’d rather have some embellishable stories.

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